i like to tell stories

it’s funny, well maybe not funny, but sad isn’t the best word either, even though it comes to mind, but whenever i am in a hotel room alone, and that lonely comes, i always think of a woman from my past or maybe even present that in some way made me feel not so lonely anymore, if only for a moment once in time, if they were only a friend, acquaintance, if i had a relationship with them or not, doesn’t really matter, i suppose this is normal, or at least normal in my life.

or maybe it’s just this one random girl i barely know and hampton inns, i dunno.

last time, i actually left the room and made her these, this time, i just went to sleep:

LAST TIME

5:20:22 PM

5:14:10 PM

been a unique 5 days, i usually go months without a visitor here at #1RN, this week, i got to shoot 6 visitors, other friends were in town, but life got in the way of them stopping by for a portrait….

so come over, i’ll take yours too.

parking lot, nj.

(M&M – sporting clays)

M&M Sporting Clays, Pennsville, NJ

any time you pull into a tournament before dawn, and start to worry there won’t be enough light for your start time, is a good day, although it turned out my first shoot was shot looking directly into the sun. note to self, NEVER shoot an 8am start, if they can’t change your start time, don’t shoot the event. take the time to wake up. i tried to do this by getting up at 5. there was no warm up open this early, my first target of the day was in competition.

shot my first FITASC event. i got my ass kicked even though all the targets seemed hitable, i was really put to the test, and i failed, the first parcour looked directly into the sun. it made it difficult, but i honestly cannot say it cost me targets, i shot a 16 of 25. the second parcour was through the woods overlooking a small pond, the targets were really hard, at least for me, i shot an 11 of 25. 27 of 50, ouch. FITASC may not be for me.

main event. had my usual rough start, i never seem to get on my shit till half way through a tournament day. maybe i need to shoot 100 targets before the comp starts, not sure how to fix this. i dropped so many targets at stations i should be running. one station i thought i was hitting them when i wasn’t and i had no idea how to correct, i also lost the targets in the trees a little, but i think it was more due to my eyes themselves, i shoot right handed, yet am left eye dominant, so i am one of those ridiculous looking people with tape on their shooting glasses trying to correct, so i often lose targets going left to right pretty easily. especially if they are going really fast, low and through back lit trees. on the other hand, anthony matarese jr had set some pretty technical, intimidating looking stations that i shockingly found a joy to shoot. i stepped into the box, viewed them, got nervous, called pull, focused and found more then i expected, even running a station that scared me the most. damn, can that boy throw targets that only appear easy, lull you to sleep, then laugh at you when you miss.

i shot a 72 of 100. not really any better then the same event the year before, even though i shoot in a class one step higher now. i was almost too embarrassed to hand in my score card (yet again). then i looked at the scoreboard, all the scores were surprisingly low, not only in my class, but all the classes. the scoreboard showed me in 2nd place overall for the main event and 3rd place for FITASC with over half the shooters done. wow. so i stood around for almost 2.5h waiting to see the scores come in, posting after posting, it held, 2nd place main, 3rd FITASC, that would mean $ won and more importantly, trophies, two trophies actually, awesome. (my main motivation is winning trophies, silly, yet true). then, just minutes before i had to leave to get the rental car back in time, the last posts went up, FUCK. 4th place main, 4th place FITASC, no $, no trophy for either event, i knew i should of gone home right away, i hadn’t shot deservingly and let the low scores of others give me false hope, but c’mon, 4th, just one place out of the $ and trophies in both events, FUCK. this is a big kick in the balls not only for being the ugly girl at the dance, but because i shot the exact same score as those one place higher then me, we had tied, so it went to the tie break stations, they just shot the targets better at one stand, but we still had the same score, FUCK. (turns out however, because we had tying scores and because of the number of C class shooters, i still got 3rd place punches, so 2 punches, that makes 3 punches in C class, i now have 3 of the 6 to needed for B class, nice).

time to drive home and try not to cry, i go to nationals in 3 days, an entirely new opportunity to embarrass myself, or of course, win a trophy.

2006 Delaware River Classic Story

Jonathan Saunders:

On behalf of the Aperture Prize Committee, I would like to thank you for taking the time to submit your work for review and consideration as a prize recipient. Aperture received over 800 entries for consideration, and they exhibited an impressive level of quality and diversity. I regret to inform you, however, that it was not selected as one of the portfolios to be featured on the website. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to view your work and also for subscribing to Aperture magazine. Best of luck with all your future endeavors, artistic or otherwise.

Sincerely,
The Aperture Prize Review Committee

none of the people i admire or otherwise deem important to the history of photography acheived what they have through ‘contests’ or ‘hotshots’ or ‘picks’ or ‘top (insert number)+(insert title).’

true story.

from what i can gather, they had the right introduction at the right time by the right person to the right place or person, all done privately through social/professional channels of one kind or another.

also, a true story.

that didn’t stop me from entering this one, two entries this round, one last time, same result.

as i am always perplexed on the who? why? really? of the winners of such things, i figured i had no right to question or bitch unless i had actually submitted, so at least there’s that, of all the poeple i know in photography, no one else seems to try at such things, silly editorial contests sure, but for work that actually bites their brains a little deeper, no one enters or tries, but they all bitch.

to try and fail may give one the right to bitch in my brain, but it doesn’t make it hurt less. as it will when i see who does ‘win’ – that’s a always a fountain of who why really.

11:51:35 PM + 11:57:56 PM

11:46:03 PM

blind date, first date.

1:27:38 AM

1:31:02 AM + 1:33:41 AM + 1:33:47 AM + 1:33:58 AM

the client wanted the pair i was to shoot shot with a wall of televisions of ‘financial jibberish’. the office was under construction, there were no televisions in the building and their offices were literally ripped apart, and not in an interesting way that would work for the client. the subjects suggested outside, the client was worried it would look like an office park, (it was), and it was pouring rain. the client also wanted the pair to appear in mid conversation versus an engaging portrait, the subjects were not thrilled on this concept, but i have to say they were super nice, the contacts were very helpful, it was a great day in a way, the only problem was me making my client stoked, which of course is the only thing that mattered. by chance, we got permission to shoot in the lobby, i made an image i am actually really proud of and actually like a great deal, it’s not what the client wanted or needed, but i can only hope it works out.

i have shot over 450 portraits, i would say at least 75% of which are or were in an ‘office’ environment of one type or another, mostly likely a beige one.

1:48:26 PM

1:49:35 PM

1:49:23 PM + 1:47:31 PM

1:52:35 PM

1:51:22 PM

vespa accident.

1:55:35 PM

1:55:42 PM

2:00:21 PM

results from sunday finally posted, 1st of 3 in C class, $60, i have now won $752, i rule.

WATCH

wake up at 530am, on the road by 6, music loud, head west.

pennsylvania = true love.

my 24th club, 21st i have a snap of myself at.

the club was great. longest course i have been too, weaved up and down and all around, must have been like a 2-3 mile trec from start to finish through some of the most beautiful PA i have ever seen, thankfully, the cart seemed to be complimentary. i got there early and it was a relaxed start. there were 6 of us on the squad, mike i already knew, owner of rock mtn, a club i love and where i shoot like 5 times a year, ricky FUNG-A-FAT, yes, that’s his real name, he often kicks everyones ass in master class and john citarella AA class, both PA regulars i knew by their names being at the tops of scores, but had never met. then me and two other guys. it was a good squad. mike and john tied with an 87, ricky had a 90 or 91, can’t find scores posted yet.

we finished the course and realized there had only been 98 targets, not the 100 required. turns out one stand was mislabeled, so we got it all worked out, but had to go all the way back to station 8 and shoot one pair, it of course turned out station 8 was the farthest away, so another 20 min ride out through the woods. station was a fun true pair.

i shot a 79, still way off what i wanted and should of had for the course, but back on track with my skills. i had a long run of 30 targets at one point, 30 targets from station to station without a miss. i either ran a station or dropped half of it. there was even a station i ran that made no sense, i could barely see the traget in the trees, but after each bang of the gun, trapper said ‘dead pair’ so i tried to trust what i couldn’t see and repeat. but then i had 3 stations along the way that were a melt down, 2 out of 8, 2 of 6 and another 2 of 6, that’s 14 lost targets in 3 stations. there was a station or two where i had a hard time even finding the target, one in fact where i never saw it all or even pulled the trigger. orange targets in the most colorful foliage fast and crossing, joy. so now not only am i going deaf, i am going blind.

Bill C

Alexandra M

Shirin S

Elizabeth Y

i have photographed 44 people now. see them all:
WITH OUT YOU

i wanted to ask tillmans if i could take his snap, but i couldn’t find the courage.

my corner.

my corner.

long ago, before trips, when i had no camera, i would walk outside my door and make pictures with whatever camera i rented or otherwise got my hands on. warming up, getting ready, excitement to travel, i don’t know what it was, but i just realized it’s a ritual i sometimes never consciously still do.

that is not my tape. it is however my text, no attempt to read it was made.

that is natalya lulova (Natasha/Natalia/Natalya depending on source), she or her family, claim she can read text while blindfolded.

if she could prove it, she gets 1 million dollars. i photographed her the day of her attempt.

she was not successful.

shot for TIME magazine, the james randi educational foundation has the million up for grabs.

“The James Randi Educational Foundation is a not-for-profit organization founded in 1996. Its aim is to promote critical thinking by reaching out to the public and media with reliable information about paranormal and supernatural ideas so widespread in our society today.”

such a weird day, but amazing thing to witness, all rolled into one. it was in an awful, run down, old office building in lower manhattan, lawyers all over, we had to scrap together this shot and i was perched up on the ‘conference’ room table. another situation where there was nothing to go off of, make mountains out of pebbles again…. we weren’t allowed to shoot the actual attempt, but watching through a crack in the door, i fell for it, i was impressed, it was surreal. later, during a break, i grabbed that shot of randi, who in about 5 minutes of conversation, demistified the entire experience, in a good way, damn.

i started the drive to PA after already being up 12h. i left at 630am and got home at 5pm. 294.8 miles. i feel alseep while driving home, seems this is the one time i can fall to sleep well, nothing puts me to sleep like driving. it was just before the GW bridge, i knew i should pull off, but there wasn’t a safe place that was easy, so i tried to push it the 10 miles home. so fucking scary, it’s a miracle i didn’t hurt anyone. it was prolly only a second, but that’s all it takes.

i got home and puttered around for a bit, then finally got into bed at about 630pm, it’d been well over 24h since i was last in bed.

now it’s 4am monday, and i am up again, but i don’t remember the last time i was actually awake.

(also, for the record, why the hell is the parking lot full at 830am at a walmart in east stroudsburg, pa on a sunday?)

i have now shot at 22 clubs, and taken the same picture of myself at 20 of them. one of these two shots will be the one for:

FACTORYVILLE, PA (Factoryville Sportsman’s Club)

it was a beautiful day, a beautiful pennsylvania day. overcast with patches of blue sky, 50 degrees, a light rain every so often, and it was in the pocono mountains, so every turn had rolling hills and trees everywhere…
PA = true love.

when i own land in PA, it will look like this.

wow, have you ever seen so many 0 on a scorecard? (each one is a missed target). damn, i just don’t get better. 68 of 100 for 9th place out of ten in C class. i just couldn’t find so many targets, and they weren’t that hard, well, i mean, they were, or i would of hit them, but i am a good 20 targets off pace for my class and myself. it’s obviously me. everything felt right too, that’s what’s so frustrating. nevermind all this $ spent i may as well just set on fire. now, my goals today were experience and to get warmed up for nationals, but damn, i should see the writing on the wall for me and competing already, i just want to do so well, but forget my scores reaching a plateau, they yo yo so far up and down it’s truely baffling. i shot the 5 stand event, got a 39 of 50, 1st place C class out of 3 shooters. i was 10 targets ahead of the next shooter. i am ridiculous.

i’d call myself a horse’s ass, but since the clubhouse had mounted a deer’s ass above the toilet in the bathroom, i think the term for me today is definitely, DEER ASS.

couldn’t sleep, nothing new. i was falling asleep at the computer and my head was killng me, it’s what i imagine being drunk feels like. i climbed up into bed. i lied there about 30 minutes, thought i heard something, then was wide awake. i went for a walk, it was 5:12am. the battery died on my camera, so i went home, it was 5:46am. 99 pictures, 34 minutes.

it seems every few months i buy a new a point and shoot, only to return it within the week. i just cannot find one that’s worthwhile, i have spent over a $1000 on one, ordered from japan directly only to ebay it and even bought them down the street at B&H, all to only return them within days.

either way, what i want just doesn’t seem to exist, however the street outside my door is getting the shit photographed out of it.

my mother, before 2005.

my brother, before 2005.

if i know you, and you are involved in photography in any way whatsoever or otherwise have a website of anykind for anything at all….

i better fucking be on it…..

see, KREG HOLT knows what’s what.

(i am not talking a link, as cool and truly awesome as that is, i want my mug, my whatever, made into something by you)

BIKE SNOB says of my ride:

“Oh, yeah. That baby appears on Craigslist every year about this time. It’s the blooming flower that lets me know it’s cyclocross time. It looks like a fractal.”

I did not know what a fractal was.

1 random dude and 2 of my hired help.

i love the people i know, always up to or making something beautiful…..

WATCH

congrad’s joe, congrad’s………..

NATIONALS – sporting clays – starts in texas, 300 targets in 4 days, a special 100 target cup prior to that, so at least 400 tournament level targets. i will be there, so its time to start putting in the practice. this is a larger, more respected and more important event then the worlds was in the spring, this will be sick. if i get the cash, may try FITASC too. making it 500 targets in 5 days, all at the national level. no other competition awards as deep or means as much as placing at NATIONALS.

midhudson clays, new platz, ny. 250 shells of practice, and my first attempt at FITASC, i got a 15 of 25, those targets are fucking hard. not to mention the new rules to follow.

i won’t bother to explain it all. but damn, rules rules rules and far far far targets.

it’s always good when you stay overnight somewhere, certainly for two weeks or more, to leave a surprise behind… the dumber, the better.

just when i think i have seen it all, something happens that literally just makes me laugh, not always a good comfortable laugh, but a laugh nonetheless.

i did a job in january through a designer for a magazine that to remain anonymous is basically about karma. ok fine, the shoot was of an art therapy teacher, it went well, i got a gushing email from the subject on how fun it was to have me and my assistant shoot her, how beautiful she thought she looked in the magazine when it hit the stands, she even sent me a gift. it was a great shoot and experience.

then a few months went by and i never got paid. then a few more months went by and i got a letter explaining that i may never be paid. not just my fee mind you, everything, the assistants fee, gear, car rental, everything.

i try to not play games anymore, for too long i treated this like something fun to do vs being an actual business. so i got a lawyer on them, we took it as far as we could without actually serving papers. the amounts involved just weren’t enough for the lawyer and honestly, publishers know that me spending over 5 figures in fees to get a couple thousand, if that usually, just wont happen and a straight copyright violation while worth over 6 figures, happens rarely, and costs more then you can imagine.

i just had never been this blatently not payed and told i would not be paid, this one was a kick in the teeth that truly stung, certainly since its a magazine about karma, how could they not pay?

well, as of today it’s been over 9 months, and today, a few minutes ago in fact, i received a box with cookies, tea, brownies, a pine cone, a handwritten note from what appears to be a new publisher and a check.

nice. it would seem someone at this magazine about karma, wants to keep it on the up and up, and for this, after all this, i am actually kinda greatful, of course, minus the lawyers fee grateful, but greatful.

my job is weird.

my brother and sidney, texas.

maybe i just don’t realize this. that could maybe explain cold sending. i still do it, often, as my first job was a cold drop, never one since in 10 years, but still, giving up seems just as pointless, so out the door they go.

i use to think if your pics were interesting enough, the work would come, but the past year has really finally made me realize, short of being a complete moron with a camera (sometimes even then, the photogs that rely on assistants to understand their own light still makes me laugh, no, not even annie L level, but one pack/one light level), who you know is everything, nothing else really matters, or my pictures must really suck, i just don’t realize this. this is the only rational excuse for all the random drops i do meaning so little.

i just got my book back after over a month at a magazine. i called this magazine for 2 months before sending it over. i couldn’t get in to meet anyone, almost never do. i made sure it was a good week to drop it off, that everyone i wanted to see it was there that week, that it wasn’t a closing week, even got a day to drop it. after sending it, i never got the pe on the phone again, well, i did once, two weeks later, it still hadn’t been seen, ok, no problem, let me know when to pick it up. over the next 3 weeks, i called once a week to see if it had been looked at, not one call was ever answered or returned. i called randomly to try and catch the pe, no luck. ok, so i let it sit there another week, figuring at the very least, maybe it would eventually get seen or i’d just get a call to come get it as its in the way and they need room to stack the other 20 they must get everyday. that didn’t work either, so i just sent a messenger, i just got it back. i understand the world is too busy to not hire your buddy or that cute photog you met at a party, or chris or dan, but then why tell me to send it, what’s it take to look at book anyway, 30 seconds, too busy for 30 seconds? i could of let the book sit somewhere else for more then a month for them to maybe look at….

i like everyone else can tell if it’s been opened or not, this place usually leaves a note, so i was excited to have another form reject to add to the pile, yet nothing this time. the books had been rotated, so someone along the line must have at least opened it. but not one card of mine was taken, the 2 books were still in the same order, so it was opened, but prolly not looked through.

it did however have a unique smell inside the case. outside the case i understand, BO from the messenger maybe, whatever, i even got a delivery once that reeked of weed so bad, i almost got stoned from signing for it. but to smell inside my case, i’ll never figure that one out….

next.

(some of the notes below were actually great to receive, some sucked to receive, but made me smile, these are older ones as the newer ones are awaiting other things….)