i like to tell stories

Imagine everything inside you was powered by a single battery, for all your remaining forever.

Imagine knowing a fact like batteries don’t last forever.

Tonight and for the next 24 hours, I imagine a battery that will last just that long, forever.

– – –

The Night Of June 23, 2010

for MSG on the birthday of SAK

– – –

This is Frank, on land that was once his. Not in the sense as from or of, but simply his.

It was here, on this dam of his design, that he told his wife and I stories neither of us had ever heard.

– – –

Frank had a mission and on this mission I did go.

It would remain unfulfilled, but that wasn’t really our true goal.

– – –

When I left this land, I was given a letter and instructed not to open until I arrived in Carthage.

That is exactly when and what I did.

Thank you.

Cookeville, TN

– – –

I had driven 809 miles in 14 straight hours. The last time I had been in a hotel, I hadn’t been alone, tonight, I had me all to myself. It was an awfully quiet night.

I went to the lobby for my free breakfast, Cheerios®, milk and water. I sat at the table next to the older couple and pretended I already knew them and hoped to listen to their conservation. Turns out they were quietly eating, there was nothing to hear. The older gentleman saw me looking and nodded. I nodded in return and we both went back to our breakfast.

I ate one bowl after another at my table alone. I checked my email – nothing, I looked for voice messages – nothing and then I checked my email again – still nothing. I finished eating and walked to the counter and return my key.

As I walked towards the door the counter agent told me, “The Lord blesses you.”

I turned to her and said, “Thank you.”

When I got out the door I thought to myself over and over as I walked away,

“I really hope that He does.”

If one tells stories too often, they become like fiction. – CB

My name is Jonathan and I want to be remembered forever.

I only recently learned this.

I was 15, I was to have surgery. I was on the gurney, being wheeled down the hall. Light by light went by on the ceiling, just like they do on TV. There were giant candy canes lining the hallway too. I couldn’t see anyones faces and no one was talking to me. I got wheeled into the operating room and asked to shift onto the table. I lied down, stared at the operating lights and wondered what the pain would feel like.

A nurse stood over me and put a mask on me, but it was not like her mask. She had a mask, a head cap and was covered in that blue green that only operating rooms have. I stared at her eyes as she said things to me, I don’t really remember hearing what she said, only that her voice was nice and there was a kindness behind it.

I looked up at her, I told her, “Your eyes are beautiful.” Then I blinked mine and saw there was now a cast on my leg and I was in a room all alone, the surgery was over.

Then 21 years went by.

It was my almost last night living in New York City.

I wanted love, I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want to be forgotten or let go.

I asked an old love to see me and to my surprise, she did. She invited me to a party that just before I went in, I almost didn’t, for almost an hour. I stood outside, I looked at myself and I looked at the trees.

The party was behind the Guggenheim, I stared at it too.

I didn’t want to be here but I didn’t want to leave. The old love was not to be new again, but allowed me to see that I had been more to her then I ever knew. She kissed me, she dared me, she bet me, she insulted me and then she told me to go forth and she did all this without fully letting me go, or so it felt.

I found myself on a private roof in Manhattan overlooking the skylight of the Guggenheim. I didn’t know what it was then, but would later learn that a collective of animals was shining it’s noise all over the inside. I pretended those green blue lights shining from below were just for me. These lights were my gift on this night.

I turned around and saw a woman in a chair I did not know. I didn’t know her name yet, but I wanted to. She had on a hat that matched her skin, a dark coat and all around us there was a light, soft, white snow in the air.

She started the conversation. She asked me about my cameras. She told me she was a nurse. I told her my story of surgery so long ago and what I had told that other nurse about her eyes just before I had passed out.

She looked at me and said,
“My God, if you had said that to me in a moment like that, I would remember you forever.”

I asked her to stand up. I asked her to take a sip from her glass. I asked her to allow me to photograph her and to all this she did agree. In the soft snow, in the lights of collected animals behind us bouncing upwards from that spiral, I made a few photographs of her just as I had requested.

She asked why I wanted this. I told her that her hat reminded me of a scrub cover, that her coat would fade to the black behind her and that the glass would block her face from the eyes down, just like an operating room mask would.

I told her,
“Now I’ll remember you forever.”

I didn’t tell her that I thought her eyes were beautiful too, well, until just now.

– – –

It was my almost last night in New York City. A night like this can only happen here and this night was only beginning. I have met an oddly high number of nurses this spring. This nurse, peeking at me over her glass, she is the only one that has made me feel better when I otherwise had not been well.

– – –

I miss that City of New York.

– – –

Fifteen Sundays Ago

– – –

Fifteen Saturdays Ago

– – –

I Like To Eat Too Much Sugar

3:49 PM | 5:09 PM | One Man Walking Alone, One Animal Who Watched Me Lifelessly Through Glass

– – –

Today, at 4:19 PM, I completed a perfect measurable act, 25/25 on skeet field #4.

I did this alone, shooting solo, on a timed delay.

When I did this, there was no one there, there were no witnesses.

[4:19] Surat An-Nisā’ (The Women) – سورة النساء

Sahih International
O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.

4:19
touch these numbers and turn up your speakers, all the way


Today was 6/19.
I made a photograph at 3:49 PM that I found important.
I completed a perfect measurable act for only the second time in my life at 4:19 PM.
I made a photograph at 5:09 PM that I found important.
I only realized this just now, at 8:19 PM.

– – –

Two Men Standing Alone With Their Hands Touching Their Faces | 25 Seconds Apart

June 16, 2010

i like to tell stories | #8 | 20 pages

download pdf
– – –

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7

– – –

I Believe Everything I See

– – –

This One Day And That One Day I Heard And Saw, Too Much | June, 2010

I was once at a party for billionaires, yes, billionaires. I was near the dessert tables stealing cookies as I wasn’t sure if hired help, or a photographer, could partake. A man approached me and said, “Take it. Take everything you can in life until someone tells you to stop.” I laughed at his comment as it struck me as humorous in the moment and coming from him in this place, he was one of the guests of honor. Later, it made me a little sad, I just couldn’t relate to the idea of taking anything away from another. I always preferred to be given, even if it was only a cookie, (or five cookies). I saw him a little later too, he seemed less joyful. It was an awkward moment, (bathroom), he said to me again as we washed our hands quietly side by side, “If you cannot figure out who the joke is in the room, it is you.”

This didn’t strike me as humorous at all either. Other than of course, we shared this moment in a bathroom in an airplane hanger in which the party was being held. Tonight as I remember this story, I picture the man in his office and the way I see it in my mind, it is full of those inspirational posters with row boats at sunset and kittens in trees. I cannot relate to this either, even if there is truth in him, his billions and those posters.

There Is No Other Place No Where In Particular I Would Rather Ever Be Again On This Earth

All Photographs May 31, 2010 | Near Bellville, Texas

A year ago this day, this moment I share this story, (8:04 AM EST, June 17, 2009/2010), I felt an earthquake. It was centered in Texas but only I felt it right there in #1RN in New York City.

I had been up all night making things. I was about to go to bed when it hit. I had never felt anything like it and by the nature of this particular phenomenon, I won’t ever feel it again just the same. It was the moment of a lifetime and I knew it, the very second it hit, I knew my life would never be the same. I didn’t realize I was the only survivor or participant.

Now, today, 365 days later I am in Texas and that epicenter is in New York City.

Now, today, if I allow myself, I can feel all of it, still, tremble after tremble.

– – –

This is the land of my blood, this is how Texas loves me.


There is a part of Texas I love like no other, even if I cannot find it or even if it cannot find me.

– – –

(thank you)

– – –

Sometimes It Seems It Is Like It Was All Only For You To See Anyway

“The minds of you and I, and if no one else, we are enough.”

I Looked Up, I looked Down | June 13, 2010 | Only Minutes Ago

– – –

I parked far away from all the others, there was nothing around when I went in. When I came out just minutes later, this knight of the sky was no longer in it. It was now 3 feet from my car. So I looked up, I looked down. I could see no reasons. So I looked West for anything that may still be in that sky and hoped there would be no more Target® this night.

I

II

III

IV

V

VI

– – –

Six Circles, Waiting For Sixth See, Before Five

Almost All | May 29, 2010

I could not be still. I could not do nothing. I could not make nothing. I needed to remember this wait. I needed to remember this anticipation. I needed to remember this disappointment. I needed to remember this unknown.

I needed to remember what I see is only that, only what I see.

– – –

See or a not see, I want these sees uncountable, on this my one hand in which I hold and make things.

– – –

I Wanted To Lick That Line

One Man On The Phone Where Two Roads Cross Nearby Not So Long Ago

Who Do You Hear When You Listen For A Who
Words & Images | May 26, 2010 | Consult Your Doctor

I Know Who I Hear And I Showed You How I Do Just For Only You
Then You Took My Listen And You Gave It To Your Other
You Showed All You Do This Just For Me To See

Words & Images | May 25, 2010

– – –

I stood in one place, I shut my eyes, I made three clicks.

There is no place like home, there is no place like home, there is no place like home.

– – –

Someone I never met that was far away once called me from a special place, well, before really, I tracked the drive, I tracked the progress, this was a joy of maps. Upon arrival, I was still watching. I described what I could see around them from the satellite, I described what I could see around them from the view of the street I could see on the screen in front of me. I sent a photograph of that screen to them. It was all confirmed, it was all beautiful and I was told this was an oddly romantic thing to have done while it was happening. I agreed, wholeheartedly.

A photograph from this someone from this place was later delivered to me on the same screen in front of me.

I found this romantic, wholeheartedly.

Sometimes maps lie.

Sometimes they are perfectly accurate.

Sometimes they purposely make you look the wrong way.

He surrounded his life with an impregnable wall of integrity and truth which was invulnerable against the poisonous darts of culmy and slander.

– – –

J.F. Roberts Obituary | Died in San Antonio, TX | September 22, 1923

Father Of Mine Five Fathers Ago

June 2, 2010

– – –

The sky was screaming but it made less noise then you did making none sleeping so close. I can remember wishing I was deaf, thinking I was deaf, I wanted you awake. An hour passed, a year passed. I took my shirt off and ran out into the invisible rain that felt like little rocks pelting my bare skin. I wanted to be beaten by something larger then myself and beaten how I could not predict the moment of pain. I wanted to make this body mind match. They don’t. This act didn’t help. I saw the sky change its colors and I felt a farewell. I only thought I had to leave when I should only learn to sleep.

I Miss That Rain. I Miss That Noise. I Need Love I Don’t Ask For.

– – –

This is the land of my blood, this is how Texas loves me.

June 3, 2010
– – –
What Cannot Be Imitated Perfect Must Die – (RAZ) | This Trigger I Do Not Want To Pull – (JNS)

– – –
Four (8) Of Me With Typicality From A Place In Which Two Roads Cross

13 Fractions Of A Second To Say Goodbye Forever

I just gave away all my film. Film I had saved for years and only all for you my love. I gave away all but one of these love rolls. A short roll of that cheap cheap Gold. I put it in you, caressed you, touched you, worked you. Moment by moment and for joy till my completion.

All at once without thought and in reverse in mere minutes. You wound that Gold all the way out inside you and then you wound it back in as I walked from the inside out. You gave me  just 13 with indifferent affection and I took each and every one with all of mine.

Only all for you my love, I thank you, forever.

– – –

Saturday, June 5, 2010

May 30, 2010

– – –

I sent a note out into the world and this note was shortly there after answered. I returned this answer and thus started an eight hour conversation in which I never heard a word. This silent conversation was interrupted by a task that was not mine but one in which I was able to invite myself along on to witness.

We met at a McDonald’s parking lot, 4:56am. I was accepted into the purple chariot and into the night we raced towards the heart of this city. A train sung us its song and blocked our passage, a new route was found and our wait started. The man boy then arrived all broken, his parts, his mind, visibly troubled and cracked. We walked to the jail house steps, stopped and I stepped back and took my seat.

I watched the bracelet of non-love get clamped down as her arms of ink did their pretty magic.

McDonald’s, 5:54am, I give her a kiss on the cheek in thanks and enter my own black chariot again.

– – –

– – –

This is the land of my blood, this is how Texas loves me.

Maps Spelled Backwards | Two Images Received | One Voice Note Received

– – –

I was going to an event in a city in which I did not know anyone. I sought company, of any kind, by placing a request out there for those seeking company in return to find. The event has come and gone, I did not acquire company, of any kind. I did however end up the recipient of many random and unwanted text messages due to the flawed confirmation system of the place I used to post. This request of mine then never even actually got posted.

– – –

“<FW>FW:FW:FWD:

Bring ur ass outside.

she’s lookin 4 u. And she is mad

*DOING ME! WTF*

–

Daddy Wrote:

‘To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.’

– – –

This is the land of my blood, this is how Texas loves me.

From The Internet (Roundaboutly) | 13 Of 36 Blind Self Portraits | 1 Stack

– – –

thank you

May 25, 2010 | It Was A Tuesday

– – –

Yes, I was green with why one would assume.

The color itself has been ruined by those three trite,
cliched words of false description ingrained in our culture.

These words have made me hate a color that I love.

The branding of this word, this color,
has also made me hate the planet on which I live.

– – –

Leave my colors alone.

Fekkai | PROTEIN Rx | May 27, 2010

Renews Strength, Elasticity and Shine – Message Into Wet Hair. Lather & Rinse

CAUTION – AVOID CONTACT WITH THE EYES

– – –

This day 42 years ago, my father and my mother married each other after four years of dating. They are still together. Also this day, this actual today, a man and a woman I photographed once married each other too. They did this about the same time today I made all these photographs.

16 fl oz forgotten Fekkai | 4.5 fl oz purchased Red Paint | AM Radio 1100
1 gal purchased & almost frozen ICE cold water (source – Leoffler Spring, Jasper, TX)


– – –

I Tested And Failed Myself

May 27, 2010 & June 1, 2010

0.125 Milliseconds Of Rain During A Night In Which I Got Wet

16.6 Milliseconds Of Two Eyes During A Night In Which I Saw Something

– – –

That I Saw I Felt, That I Saw, It Was Fleeting, Don’t Ever Blink

A Girl Named Taylor | A Man Named Donald | Spring, Texas, 2010

In this place, the path does make, a place that there are two T.
At each T, there be a tree. Under each tree, at these T, you should see.

– – –

0.0 Miles | 79 Degrees | 8:03:43 AM – 502.9 Miles | 76 Degrees | 3:33:27 AM

19 hours, 29 minutes, 44 seconds

76 – 96 Degrees | 0 – 100 MPH | Fined By Texas =  $173

I first drove two hours North to test my will against myself. I was welcome among the strangers as I too had myself measured along side them although I was to fall very far short this day. I then drove three hours East to test myself again in a new place alone and unmeasured. I then drove further East to make photographs in a place I had been before, sweat a lot and plant two undeliverable yet direct gifts that may or may not be claimed. I emerged from this place in exhaustion only to find a King offering a short solace in water, food and good company in an oasis of green walls. I then drove South to enter a dark place I thought I could stare and also be welcome. I was to fall very short here too. So I drove West, to return to that place from which I started. I had raced through three cities this day, paced through this night and again found myself being measured only this last test was one without my knowledge. I failed it as well. This measure I received today I can say is accurate on all counts and all endeavors, I was measured at what I was, target for target and speed for speed.

– – –

To honor thy requests, it is only here I can confess.

It was in this place that I could hear the trains a coming. I did not even get low.

Those songs were so lovely but I fear I may be misunderstanding the words.

“Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied,
And vice sometime’s by action dignified.
Within the infant rind of this small flower
Poison hath residence, and medicine power;
For this, being smelt, with that part cheers each part;
Being tasted, slays all senses with the heart.” – aII, sIII

I Miss The Way You Called Me Mister & Showed Me Up Your Skirt | May 13, 2010

I recommend full screen viewing, thank you Amanda.

November 30, 2009 | 3:21 AM & 4:04 AM | The Place Near Zero

– – –


“Beg pardon of the prince, and call thee back
With twenty hundred thousand times more joy.” – aIII, sIII

May 12, 2010 | 7

4m 16s In That Place She Called There

– – –

“I do protest I never injur’d thee,
But love thee better than thou canst devise
Till thou shalt know the reason of my love;
And so good [sir], which name I tender
As dearly as mine own, be satisfied.” – aIII, sI

“O, she knew well
Thy love did read by rote and could not spell.
But come, young waverer, come, go with me,
In one respect I’ll thy assistant be;
For this alliance may so happy prove,
To turn your households’ rancour to pure love.” – aII, sIII

“I’ll tell thee, ere thou ask it me again.
I have been feasting with mine enemy,
Where on a sudden one hath wounded me,
That’s by me wounded: both our remedies
Within thy help and holy physic lies:
I bear no hatred, blessed man, for, lo,
My intercession likewise steads my foe.

Be plain, good son, and homely in thy drift
Riddling confession finds but riddling shrift.” – aII, sIII

May 13, 2010 | 5h, 39m, 21s Apart

One Man On The Phone Outside My Window

One Woman On The Phone Next To Me Inside Her Window Outside My Window

Chances Are, They Were Not Talking To One Another, I Cannot Say With Certainty

– – –

“And for that offence
Immediately we do exile him hence.
I have an interest in your hate’s proceeding,
My blood for your rude brawls doth lie a-bleeding;
But I’ll amerce you with so strong a fine
That you shall all repent the loss of mine.
I will be deaf to pleading and excuses;
Nor tears nor prayers shall purchase out abuses:
Therefore use none.” – aIII, sI

7/7/09 | Out Your Window I Last Saw That Gulf

The last you hear me, I said meet me at that gulf again. Do you remember what you said I wish I didn’t hear.

The last you hear me, I said I love. Do you remember what you said I wish I didn’t hear.

I try to not believe.

– – –

The word adore is not mine as per request nor large enough for my like of you and any part within. This like of mine is stronger then my red sword and stronger then my red muscle or these parts of mine combined into the one that I now am so close. My two ears are pointed to that sky, tethered to that ground and they listen for a yes to either of these two last you hear.

They do this without a stop, they do this without a blink and they do this full of more desire then you can handle, all day, all night, in between since the first moment I hear you and the last I hear you.

Baby. Now. Hear. Meet. Adore. Me. Love. Gulf. Like. Soon.

May 15, 2010 | x3 (6) | In 9m | Fear & Terror Are But False Transparencies | Before The Song Of Brothers

(Sung For Me Or Not For Me, I Don’t Know, It Seems So, 7 Days Ago)

– – –

The honey from my unmade babies

couldn’t fill the buckets

as fast

as that rain could fill my desire for

my honey to

fill you

every night.

Once my sunburn was enough heat baby,

I am burned,

still.

Baby, come as you were once where as I am,

still.

This is unlike the story it was written to be.

– – –

Your here claimed is not an open one. My here is ready this for, I need more.

I don’t wish myself a less than piece of a collection. Yes, just as you don’t, do you see you here hence my affection.

Where And What Am I, I Am Not Laughing | May 17, 2010 | Direct And After The Song Of Brothers

I Am King Edward, I Know You Know Where I Am, I Therefore Forever Listen

– – –

“These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which, as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite.
Therefore love moderately: long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.” – aII, sIV

swarm | 119 Hours

May 9, 2010

Today In These Very Moments | Thirteen Thousand Five Hundred Fifteen Days Later

Today I tried to make things that hurt as beautiful as I could. Today I also did something I will never forget.

These two things were the opposite of one another.

May 9, 2010 | Mother’s Day

This is my mother, 3 hours and 19 minutes shy of the moment I left her thirteen thousand five hundred fifteen days ago. Today I had brunch with her and I had dinner with her. I gave her the most recent set of my touchable photographs, I could think of nothing else. Then I made this one.

May 7, 2010 | 8:14 PM

Today she turned six. She had been six just one minute shy of three hours when I made this photograph. For this day, her day, I bought her lawn darts, made her cry, took her photograph, held her upside down, bit her and knocked her down. I did most of this as she asked me to and then I promised to meet her bowling.

May 9, 2010

A Triangle And A Bird, Both In The Air, One Bird Near One Woman Walking Alone

May 9, 2010 | Come And Take It

At my dawn, my day started with a pole, I raised this flag straight up it. I had owned this flag only hours, the folds, the creases of this new were still etched in. I put it up in that rain and I watched in that sun. Each time I passed, all day long, I looked.

At my dusk, staring at a stage that had no pole, that was empty and that had no sounds of desire for anyone, I realized in minutes it was time to return, if only to lower this flag. This is exactly what I then did. I would fly this flag only hours and I would fly this flag only today.

Sunday, August 16, 2009
at 1:44 AM
labels: and by always, I mean always

Sunday, May 9, 2010
at 4:18 PM
labels: and by yes, I mean see

You loved me then didn’t you?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

– – –

The first day I thought I heard the voice of our child.
(Before when you think it was or why).

This was later in the day, then much later that same day.
(After when you know it was and why).

I thought I heard something, even if only a thought.

May 8, 2010 | Teaching The Boy To See

May 8, 2010 | Watching The Girls Fly

May 8, 2010 | Two Women, Decorated

Fall Out West, Fall Back East

May 8, 2010 | One Man Waiting Not Close To Eight Rocks In The Intersection

30 Days Later | One Day Later

I Went To Where I As Told And I Waited, I Have Done This Before, 377 Days Ago

These Are All May 7, 2010

I Can See Through Your Blue

May 7, 2010 | American 18/25, 22/25

I drive the long driveway, I drive the short road to this driveway, I drive them both slowly. When I make that one turn, I put the windows down and start looking. Any photograph I have made in Olmos, will make in Olmos, on these days, I do from the car. This is a part, an important part, this preshot routine of mine, this is a ritual of self imposed uninspired effort. I listen for that distant song each time those windows go down, I’ve never not heard it here but it’s not what brings me calling.

May 7, 2010 | One Man Inflating A Tire Not Close To Eight Rocks In The Intersection | 29 Days Later

If I ever reach out and touch you while I photograph you it is because in that moment, in that burst of light, in that measurable fraction of a second, you are the most beautiful stopping of time that I can create with tools I can also touch with these my own hands. It is us as me, it is us as you and it is us together. In this measurable fraction of time, you are my life, you define my love, you define my awe, you are my all that I am in this world. This is allowed, this is welcome or this would not exist. This act is not subtle.

Look at this photograph we made.

I made it with these my own hands for you and I made it with these my own hands for me.

If you’ve ever felt my left hand, you know this.

April 10, 2010

3h, 14m, 7s Shy Of 7 Days After A Photograph Of My Left Hand Unexpectedly Shattered A World That I Wanted

April 11, 2010 | 9:48:08 PM

May 7, 2006 – I Was D, Then I Was E, Then I was D, Then I was C, Then I Was B, Then I was A

As Of May 8, 2010 After 3 Small Tournaments In 7 Days, I Am AA | I am 15 Punches From Master

I have owned this camera bag almost 20 years. I use it tournament days to hold not cameras. I have not used it at all since months ago when I used it as a camera bag in La Grange, TX. This was today. 150 Winchester Super Sport™, 12g, 2 3/4in, 1350fps, 1oz, 8shot shells, 1 champagne cork, 1 map of Monument Hill, 1 photograph from the internet without a color I had so often seen and knew may soon change, 1 lens cloth, 1 sweat rag and random weeds, leaves, and other bits of nature’s wonderful debris from courses all around this country. I cannot bring myself to clean it out as it all seems likely to eventually just fall out without my wishing it to, no matter my desire to have all these things not ever vanish, its just how it is, no amount of my anything will make it stop.

It’s been this way since I bought it, time hasn’t changed anything.

A White Star In A Red Circle | May 4, 2010 | 3 Minutes, 12 Seconds After I Looked At My Left Hand

Two Days These, They Were The Same, 116 Days Apart, Nowhere Near The Other

January 9, 2010 | May 5, 2010 | Looking This Way And That

Days These Two, They Were The Same, 372 Days Apart, Standing Feet Apart

May 5, 2010 | April 28, 2009 | San Marcos, TX | Looking South South East/Looking North North West

These Two Days, They Were The Same, 108 Days Apart, Standing Feet Apart

January 16, 2010 | May 4, 2010 | Looking South

Monday | May 3, 2010 | In The Middle Of The Day (3:28:35 PM)

I had been on a personal call, it was of the nature that I forgot to pay attention to where I was driving so I found the first safe exit and pulled off onto the side of the road, sitting there in some lost spot. I sat there not believing my ears, the world was in slow motion and when I say the world was in slow motion, I mean that I hated it and I could not stop anything I was hearing or saying. The very definition of this world, well, I had it so very wrong and this was now clear for the very first moment. The call ended. I had no idea where I was. So I called the subject of my next shoot, I called the magazine too. I took notes. I never moved my car. I made more calls and more calls and more calls. Nothing changed. I never moved my car.

I looked out the window to my right. This is what I saw. I still had not moved my car. I only now noticed. I was not surprised, not even a little. I put my window down, I made this photograph and put my window back up, I didn’t want that hurting heat getting in. I drove into the lot to turn my car around, this place seemed closed, this place seemed empty and this place seemed all hollow inside. This day I was less then just another customer, well, so it seemed. This day I was not welcome in, invited in or wanted in, well, so it seemed. This day, this place, it was not a place I had ever been inside or ever would be, well, this much I know.

This is not a happenstance, this is not a coincidence, this is not an Act. This is the land of my blood.

This is where I live. This is how Texas loves me.

Friday | April 30, 2010 | Late In The Day, Late In The Night

She took my hands and placed them where I did not know I was allowed to place them. How do they make their skin feel the way it does, there is no other feeling, or scent, quite like it. It lingers and when I say it lingers, I mean that I like it and that it feels nice. Nothing else about these moments I can say brings me joy, not even a little little bit. This fact I shared is also not worth walking in the door for. Yet there I am. I can make up reasons why, but tonight, well, would it make a difference… It was only a place to be that was not where I am, well, so I shortly pretended.

This pretend of mine, it was so thin it was invisible.

April 23, 2010 – American 22/25, 23/25 | April 30, 2010 – American 22/25, 22/25

I bite myself, I take a step, just like you or so I see.
I am fighting a reflection that only looks like myself, just like you or so I see.

There is a sky of black water in my ocean.

– – –

April 29, 2010 | 3:30:34 PM, 2:51:57 PM, 3:29:31 PM

In The Land Of My Blood | Chapter 2

423.0 miles | 63 degrees Fahrenheit
March 30, 2010 & March 31, 2010 | 13h, 51m, 16s

( View Chapter 2 | Touch Chapter 2 )

Three Men | Charles, Joerg, Phillip | Houston, TX

For A, Know This – Today, It’s Just Like That First Day

– – –

I felt a new, unmatched love once because of a record. How and when it was played, everything about that moment of my life, it was a joy that to that moment in all my life, I had not yet ever known. I saw this record be played without being there while I was alone in my home. When I saw this record be played how it was, I actually cried. It was all that beautiful. The love I felt and I had in this moment, I will never let die.

My story, today, it is a secret. Just know, a repeat would be lovely.

– – –

I received an email recently from a man I do not know on the other side of this earth. So I thanked him. I then received a song and a story for this thanks. The one he loves is not well and he reached out to me to thank me as something I did at sometime had meant something. I have been given permission to tell his story here:

“When I was a kid about 13 or 14 years I was browsing records in the local record shop. There was only one other person in there, a beautiful girl. We stood next to each other and made glances. It was not until I had found and married A and was looking at her old snaps I realized that she was the girl. I asked if she remembered a little boy gazing at her in the shop (she is 4 years older than me), and she actually did. I was blown away! I still carry that image of her in my mind all the time.“

“It was an independent record store, not many in our town. As we were browsing I pulled out Van Morrison’s It’s Too Late to Stop Now LP looked at it and put it back, I desperately wanted it but had no money. As we moved along I noticed A pulling it out too. It was that LP which was the trigger for the memory. Her boyfriend was waiting outside and she was thinking why is this little kid looking at me!“

– – –

Play it again and turn it up. Never let that record stop spinning.

This Is What I Look Like When I Am Really A Me I Cannot See

I Only Know What You Look Like & From That I Know Nothing

April 21, 2010 | All Day Long At Time Something Or Other | This Is Not Nearly Everything

– – –

Interview II, Of III In IX Days, Was A IV Part Interview In IV Days

April 21, 2010 | 39m 52s After

April 21, 2010 | 2h 56m 59s Before

A Red Circle Inside Another Red Circle Inside Another Red Circle | Zero mph

April 22, 2010 | 3:31:42 PM | One Man, Holding A Sleeping Child

April 8, 2010 | One Man On The Telephone Near Eight Rocks In The Intersection | 195s Apart

March 17, 2010 & March 27, 2010 | 40 & 30 Days Short

My state has changed.

– – –

2006 = 1700, 2007 = 3200, 2008 = 1700, 2009 = 1550 | 8150 registered competition targets.

When I arrived, there was a train singing to me.

I loaded, I closed, I looked at the sky and tried to clear what my mind saw. Watch the target, watch the target, watch the target. Listen to the beeps, here it comes, there it is, is she the marksman she says she is, what was my score, how many I have missed now, I know that song.

When I left, there was a train singing to me.

Train one, dead single, dead single, high house miss, low house dead, double, love me some.

American – 22/25, 22/25 | April 16, 2010 | Olmos Basin

I found an Olympus XA2, complete with A11 Flash in my grandmother’s garage the other day. It was left over from a garage sale, it was marked $2, no one had wanted it. Today when I awoke, I went to Walgreens. I bought it batteries, I bought it film and when I returned, I cleaned it, I rebuilt it, I loaded it and I made 26 photographs in 9 minutes. (I still remember how to sneak on extra frames). I took that roll out, I went back to Walgreens.

I have not made images with a film point and shoot in almost 6 years after it used to be almost 2-3 rolls a day for ten years. I didn’t realize how much I was addicted to this ritual until right this second, waiting for the film as I write this story before even seeing my images. If the XA2/A11 worked at all doesn’t even matter. I missed this, I needed this, this is why I do the things I do.

Today, it was all about love.

This is me loving you more then some, this is me loving you too much.

April 15, 2010 | Thursday

I drove 15 hours, then I drove 11 hours, then I drove 8 hours.

– – –

In between the 11h and 8h segments, I accepted an invitation of salvation on a plantation. This plantation had no business being where it was. It descended out of a fog after I almost killed a dog. All upon this river of asphalt darkness, I chased a love I could not find, this overwhelmed my mind.

– – –

Later, days after leaving the plantation and within hours of reaching the mouth of this river, a French woman finally found me albeit too late. She did not however seduce me nor did I seduce her. She did however allow me to watch her smoke and she did however recite some love for me to keep forever.

Fumer Tue, Mon Amour

April 13, 2010 | 5:09:55 PM | One Man, Standing Alone, Near A Man Walking

April 14, 2010 – 12:39:52 PM | One Woman, Standing Alone, Smoking

(touch image to view larger)

I Am King Edward, I Don’t Know Who Or Where You Are

March 22, 2010 & March 23, 2010

Only You See You As A Target In My Sky

April 11, 2010 – 5:12:52 PM | Two Men Smoking | One Cadillac, One Jaguar

(touch image to view larger)

My Brother | My Brother’s Daughter

April 10, 2010

March 10, 2010 | It was here, this day, that I did dance.

Shut your eyes.

You will see.

This joy was exactly me.

This day, I talked too much. This day, I was shooting a perfect first round. Dead target, dead target, dead target, one after another after another. The first 24 of 25, all dead. I knew this when I stepped into the box to shoot my last target, I knew this when I loaded, I knew this when I closed, I knew this when I looked at the sky and tried to clear what my mind saw. Don’t miss, wait for the target, watch the target, does she ever think of me, a perfect round would be so wonderful… Pull.

24 of 25.

Press play to hear me talk too much. Press play to hear me shooting 3 targets dead. Single, single, double.

American – 24/25, 23/25 | April 11, 2010 | Olmos Basin

The Same Day King Edward Died | April 9, 1483/2010

This day, I shot alone. No call of “Pull.” It was all up to me. There will be a series of three beeps, 3, 2, 1, target. Sometimes a single target, sometimes a double. There will be 25 shots. I don’t hear that siren. I don’t hear the others speaking. I feel the wind, I like it. Marshall asked me after stand 3, “I’ll pull for ya?”

“I appreciate that though.” Then I missed two targets, station 4. My only two. I knew before he asked, this round, this round I needed to be left alone. I pretended it didn’t happen and got back to my task, alone.

Today, I hear each shot. You can too.

Marshall was kind and asked to assist me. The other Marshall I know here I also just met, he sold me my car, I found him kind as well.

American – 23/25, 22/25 | April 10, 2010 | April 21, 1929 | Olmos Basin

I loaded, I closed, I looked at the sky and tried to clear what my mind saw. What is she doing right now? Don’t look at the barrel. Watch the target, watch the target, watch the target. Why am I even trying a low mount in International? I point towards the sky, I lower again, I try again to clear what my mind saw. I miss her so much. Damn, these targets are faster today.

I don’t hear the shot.

I was waiting for my food with my father and his brother. We weren’t talking much but that beautiful older man, playing his guitar in the corner of this restaurant I think he may even own, he didn’t need to look to that sky outside to clear what his mind saw. His mind was seeing just what my brain doesn’t want to let go of.

International – 18/25, 21/25 | April 9, 2010 | 5:11:48 PM, 6:27:27 PM

Today, it begun. I loaded, I closed, I looked at the sky and tried to clear what my mind saw. That train is not coming, it is not about to sing for me. I don’t hear it. I point towards the sky, I lower again, I try again to clear what my mind saw. She did not really say that did she? That train is singing. I am behind, how many have I missed now?

I don’t hear the shot.

I was driving, I checked my mirrors as I stopped in the middle of the road, directly under that train as it rolled over my head on the trestle, I was alone. I turned off the radio, turned the recorder on and didn’t worry what cars I may or may not be blocking.

American – 21/25, 22/25 | April 8, 2010

A place I have been before.

March 9, 2010 | 10:46:44 AM

I had been driving for hours, listening to that Tennessee love all over my radio. I had to stop, I had to get out of that U-Haul, I stretched and went to restroom. It was awfully quiet in there, too quiet. In the stall next to me, I heard a voice slowly growing more loud. I could not understand nor even place the language. Yet the tone was that of love, um, well, maybe not love, but maybe something, something intense. The words strung together like a song I could not place nor had heard before, yet it was beautiful, in it’s own particular way…  this man was on the telephone. I was in the stall against the wall. I wanted to leave, I didn’t want to make a sound but I didn’t want to interrupt either.

I quietly made my way to the sink, washed my hands and dried them. As I went to exit, the stall door that had been next to mine was suddenly open and out came its occupant. He bypassed the sink, got to the door before me and did not hold it open.

I kept my distance walking out behind my live singer, took this image above  and then I climbed back in that U-Haul and turned my radio back up. I did not hear one song of Patsy’s.

This is where I live, this is how I love, this is where you can find me.

I Am King Edward

Created – March 19 | March 22 | March 23 | 2010 – Scheduled to post today, 8 days ago.

– – –

All I can promise is that this is my absolute best. I give you my everything, every time.

April 4, 2010

In The Land Of My Blood | Chapter 3

Late this afternoon I visited my grandmother. As I approached her door, I saw that there was a small bird directly in its nook. I could not open her door. I stepped closer, the bird tried to take flight in all its fear of me but this bird could not do so, it was broken, it’s wings would not work and no amount of its will would matter.

I got down low, I approached from an angle I thought induced the least panic in its heart and the bird got to the side in the leaves before I could make a difference, it would not let me close. Then it simply sat there stunned and staring at me. I took this bird’s photograph.

I went inside to be with my grandmother, all my thoughts couldn’t focus. My brain was filled with this bird, only this bird, there was nothing I could do; I could not will it well, I could not photograph it well, I could not tell it’s story well.

My visit was not long, minutes maybe. I stepped out the door and looked for where it had gone. In the first moments of not seeing it, I felt joy. Where had it gone, had it taken flight? Then, taking a few steps, I saw a peek of feather again. There it was. Lying motionless only feet from where it had been.

I got down low, I approached from an angle I thought induced the least panic. Before I was too close I pressed my lips softly together and gently blew the air from my lungs towards it. The leaves, the brush, the feathers, they all reacted to my air… This bird did not react to my wind, this bird was no longer stunned, this bird was no longer staring at me.

– – –

Inside my grandmother’s home, her couch still bloomed its red flower today. Inside my home here, my couch was still green today. Today was difficult. No amount of my will could change this.

Today was Easter.

3 Photographs | April 4, 2010

This Was The Eve Of My Easter’s Eve

April 3, 2010 | 8:12:26 PM, 8:17:37 PM, 8:18:38 PM

The other day, I could not make that hot red sun stay.

The other night, I could not make that cold blue moon go away.

Tonight, I needed an eclipse.

– – –

So I turned off all that artificial light around me. I made this place as dark as I could.  I made my own bursts of light in the dark at a speed faster than that I had ever held in my hands before this day. That hot red sun did not block that cold blue moon and that cold blue moon did not block that hot red sun. My will alone tonight could not create that I wanted or that I needed.

– – –

These bursts of light in my hands tonight must not have been fast enough.

My Father At The Home Of His Mother | All Photographs – April 2, 2010

Yellow tape, ink, words I did not write.

I did not see her today and have not for some time now. I do not know her well, but her blood is my blood and today her blood was actually, physically removed from her and replaced with different blood. Somewhere tonight, she is lying there in the dark alone. She is sleeping, dreaming, both or neither. I do not have any idea what she is thinking of but I am thinking of her.

This new blood of hers is now my blood too.

#1RN | New York, New York

by Andrew

by sasha

by evan

Jonathan can now be found in Texas.

Listen and watch me drive it.

It was late in the afternoon. I had walked into her home and immediately fallen asleep on the couch.

It was not because I was sleepy, she could see this and I could feel her sitting at my side.

She had to ask me three times, she then took me by the hand outside, “Would you like to take my picture?”

–  –  –

Saturday, March 27, 2010 | 4:31:15 PM

Thank you Sidney.

“I am a lucky man.”

“Stay with me.”

“I am a fool.”

The only song on my radio today. 23h, 29m play count = 62.

March 28, 2010 | 10:21:13 AM, 2:06:13 AM, 2:00:33 AM

March 28, 2010 | 109 Minutes In An Afternoon

Me, My Father and His Mother

My Hand On The Glass Looking Out | The Homes Of My Blood

March 28, 2010

March 28, 2010 | 11:03:15 AM, 12:35:21 PM, 1:11:53 PM | San Antonio, TX

March 28, 2010 | 12:30:45 PM, 12:29:02 PM, 1:18:34 PM | San Antonio, TX

#1RN Aimee | February 24, 2010 | The Last Portrait I Ever Made In #1RN

I drove 15 hours, then I drove 11 hours, then I drove 8 hours.

I only had radio, I was at it’s mercy as one station faded to the next over the hours.

I made these to send away, each and every single one, one by one from the road.

The urge was as strong as it ever was, all my love was there, yet I just couldn’t touch that blue send button.

Please press play in no particular order.

18 Photographs | March 18, 2010

March 18, 2010 | 8:47:23 PM | The Family Of My Brother

March 18, 1995 | (Written) October 24, 1997

“It was my brother’s wedding night. I was the best man. I was to drive the big fancy town car to the reception. We all got in the car. My brother and his wife and her sister, the maid of honor. Just before we left the church for the long drive to the reception the wedding photographer took this picture of us. But just before he did my brother’s wife said, “This is so stupid.” My brother said nicely, “Shut up and smile.” They did. I started driving. When we got to the highway, I punched it. I drove until that white dotted line seemed solid. The maid of honor was squeezing my right arm. My brother and his wife were laughing in the back. I passed cars like they were rocks. I raced through that fucking Texas night like it was my last night on earth and that damn picture is the best one I’ve ever seen.“

Fifteen years ago not so far from here on this night, I did again what I did then. Only tonight I was alone, the music was up, the windows were down and my foot was again on that floor. This fucking Texas night had no chance.

Doug & Tiffani – 15 Years This Day | Sidney – 50 Days From Her 6th Birthday

This Gathering, This Night, Was Not A Party | March 20, 2010 & March 21, 2010

please press play for 90s video | not safe for work

March 20, 2010 | 6:53AM-7:03AM

I have not eaten a single bite in almost 48h and have slept only a handful of hours. I am not feeling well. This morning I sat on the porch and watched through the screen this storm shed it’s light on what I had not seen or heard before even though I’ve seen this view for a long time now. Moment by moment in different flashes in this dark I could see these same trees and sky like never before but not like they look here. Later when the water stopped falling from the sky and the sun gave me these moments, I made what I could of what I could see.

This is where I live, this is how I love, this is where you can find me.

I Am King Edward

***I was just told this post made a 23 month old man cry. Luciano, I am sorry.

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Today I again spent my time waiting. The things for which I awaited were all capable of taking my breath away, totally and completely away, with only a few syllables worth of words spoken into my ears. Joy could then begin, pain could then begin. Only unknown syllables could tell me and again today I heard both answers.

I have taken a very deep breath, held it in and not been allowed to exhale.

Today terrible teeth tore through this terror trapped tortuously together.

March 17, 2010 | 9:42:51 AM, 9:47:11 AM, 9:49:00 AM, 12:00:47 PM, 4:37:35 PM

Today I ran an errand that was not mine. Errands for or with a love are unlike any other.

March 17, 2010 | 3:33:52 PM | 3:46:48 PM

Last night I looked Eastward so I could touch that circle setting on the opposite horizon in the West.

March 14, 2010 | 7:43:18 PM

(The Numbers Never Set On This Circle)

I Am King Edward {forthcoming} | March 13, 2010 | 4:36:25 PM | San Antonio, TX

The last time I was in a hotel room before #116 I heard a distant train whistle. I ran to the door, opened it and stood there in the joy of this noise. Today, I wanted to hear that train sing to me again just like last time, down to the last detail.

So I got my ear down low, as low as I could and pressed down and down hard. I waited for that far away siren, that distant tremble. I did this in room #116 and I never heard what I wanted so I did this again today. That train, that damn train… I am afraid she just may not be coming.

March 8, 2010 | 8:43:01 PM | Room #116 – Cookeville, TN

March 12, 2010 | 8:57:10 AM | San Antonio, TX

I have been coming back to Texas several times a year for 22 years to tell stories. Yesterday, for the first time ever, I drove across that line that makes Texas its oh so lovely shape. I want this next story to be like no other I have ever heard before, like no other I have told before and like no other I have seen before.

I Am King Edward {forthcoming} | January 1, 2010 | 3:46:43 PM | San Antonio, TX

touch and own | iliketotellstories seven

PDF | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

The Family Kafka

March 5, 2010

Everyday countless thousands go by my door while they are only 22 steps away from me.

They have done this now for 4387 days.

The End of November | 1993
touch title for PDF | 19 color copies onto card-stock with wire bind

This is my left hand in one moment and this is my left hand in one moment 59,473 seconds later.

I was invited to a bar to watch a woman I did not know and had only met once before breathe fire on my behalf. I could not turn down this offer. When we arrived, she ran out from behind the bar, gave me a giant hug and said, “What the hell are you doing?” I replied with what the hell I am doing and she just shook her head and began talking to our mutual friend. I reached out to grab her necklace and take it’s picture. As my hand approached, she squeezed and lifted her world together in what to me appeared an offering. I also could not turn down this offer and my left hand found more than a necklace. We waited for the flash of my camera then she let go and I let go. She then went back to behind the bar.

Moments later I heard faint cheering and turned to the bar. Her mouth was ready, her flame was lit and then came the big ball of fire… All for me. No warning, no set up, no time to make any images. I saw the flames, I smiled, I finished my one beer and as we left I told her, “Thank you.”

59,473 seconds later, I accidentally cut the ring finger of my left hand with a box of Polaroids.

One of these sensations I can still feel, the other, I cannot.

March 1 – March 2 | 2010

21,120 Seconds | Ohio

“A friend’s city, a friend’s home, a friend’s children and a friend’s camera; all borrowed and lived amongst as if my own while I made my last photographs of L during 21,120 seconds of photography in Ohio.”

Title: 21,120 Seconds | Ohio
Artist: Jonathan Saunders
Type: (POD book through creator)
42 pages, 9.6in x 8.25in – 24.45cm x 20.96cm
open edition hard cover with dust jacket
published 365 days after creation

Independent Photo Book

Today I saw something unexpected in the basement of a basement in the middle of midtown Manhattan.

Today I did better on my second attempt at success then my first.
(8 spares, 1 strike in 10 frames)

Today I had my iris’s scanned.

 

 
February 7, 2010 – 11:32:48 PM

I Taught Myself To See Invisible String All Over My Face

January 25, 2010 – 11:00:21 PM | January 26, 2010 – 7:33:30 PM

These are the past two train rides I have been on. On both of these rides, this particular piece of music was playing in my headphones while I sat there alone.

I played it over and over and over.